Saturday, July 23, 2011
Crispy
After a day full of packing and two days of driving, I am finally home. I'm not entirely sure yet how I feel about being home. On the one hand I love being able to be with my family. Last night Sara, David, Mom and I had dinner. I haven't been that happy in a long time. I wish I could spend time with them on a regular basis and for the next five months, I can. On the other hand coming home always makes me feel as though my life is on hold. As though I'm not doing anything. I am hoping that since I will be working this time it'll be different. Amanda gets here sometime next week which will be nice. I guess that's about it for today. I just dont have a whole lot to say right now.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The End is near
Can I just say that there are very few times in your life that are less stressful than finals week in college?!? You are trying to study for all of your final tests, finish all of your final projects, pack, clean, and save a few minutes to say goodbye to friends all at the same time. You generally have to give up one or two of those things. I have chosen to give up the cleaning )instead we are going to have a cleaning crew come and do that for us) and saying goodbye to friends. Now you might be thinking "Wait, I distinctly remember her saying that she only had one friend." That is still true, and yet.... it isn't.
In high school I had 3 best friends. Shelley, Haley, and Lara. Haley and Lara lived in the same neighborhood as me, and went to the same church, middle school, and high school as me. They are sisters (twins in fact) and our relationship has been off and on. They are a year younger than me and so I graduated and came to school here a year before they graduated. So when I was a sophomore, Lara started going here too (which is really kind of odd because she did NOT want to come to college here. It is in this little hick town and is 16 hours away from home). We probably only hung out a total of like 5 times the first two years that we were up here together.
Shelley is the same age as I am and we met in the 7th grade. We became really good friends our sophomore or junior year (I cant really remember) in high school when her at the time best friend got sent away for getting in some trouble. For the rest of high school we pretty much did everything together. She went to a community college back home for the first two years and then transferred up here just 3 months ago. When she first came up here I was hanging out with her and Lara almost every day (mostly due to the fact that Amanda had a boyfriend by that time and so was almost never home, but also because I had missed them). After the first month or two though I realized that we just didnt have a whole lot in common. It has been three years since we all graduated and so we just aren't the same people as back then.
That was a really long tangent just to explain that I decided to give up saying goodbye to them in order to do other stuff. I dont see it as being a huge deal though since they will be back home for a few weeks in August and so we can hang out then.
I started today thinking that it should be pretty easy. I would go to a class, pack for a little bit, go to another class, pick up my mother and then pack some more. My schedule went out the window though when two of my teachers told me that I could take my finals today instead of later this week.
So my schedule was more like:
-Go to a class
-finish a final project for that class
-pack for about ten minutes
-take my history final (which was more meeting with the teacher than anything else)
-take my music final (i could only play 3 notes and yet my teacher still gave me a C+ which btw is NOT normal for me. I may not be a completely straight A student but I do not consider Cs to be acceptable)
-I came home, am relaxing for about 15 minutes while I type this
-then I have my science class followed by my science final
-then I will pick up my mother, swing by my old job to pick up a pay check that I hopefully will have waiting for me
-come home and pack
-search my bare cupboards for food
-pack some more
-finish one of my final projects and study for my music final (yes, I have two finals in that class plus a HUGE final project)
-Hopefully go to sleep before 2am
It isn't actually too bad. Staying busy keeps my mind off of things, and I really like that. I can see the end of school in sight and nothing has ever looked so wonderful. I have been thinking that maybe I should put some pictures up on here so that I can remember certain things. I dont really have a picture of all of my stuff from today though.
Actually, now that I think about it, I will put up a picture of my brother Steven and I. Every monday I get an email from him and it is probably the best part of me week, so here he is, an amazing brother. Probably the best one out there (besides David, he is awesome as well).
This is Steven and I a long time ago (probably 3 or 4 years ago) so we both look way different now, but this is just one of my favorite pictures of the two of us!
In high school I had 3 best friends. Shelley, Haley, and Lara. Haley and Lara lived in the same neighborhood as me, and went to the same church, middle school, and high school as me. They are sisters (twins in fact) and our relationship has been off and on. They are a year younger than me and so I graduated and came to school here a year before they graduated. So when I was a sophomore, Lara started going here too (which is really kind of odd because she did NOT want to come to college here. It is in this little hick town and is 16 hours away from home). We probably only hung out a total of like 5 times the first two years that we were up here together.
Shelley is the same age as I am and we met in the 7th grade. We became really good friends our sophomore or junior year (I cant really remember) in high school when her at the time best friend got sent away for getting in some trouble. For the rest of high school we pretty much did everything together. She went to a community college back home for the first two years and then transferred up here just 3 months ago. When she first came up here I was hanging out with her and Lara almost every day (mostly due to the fact that Amanda had a boyfriend by that time and so was almost never home, but also because I had missed them). After the first month or two though I realized that we just didnt have a whole lot in common. It has been three years since we all graduated and so we just aren't the same people as back then.
That was a really long tangent just to explain that I decided to give up saying goodbye to them in order to do other stuff. I dont see it as being a huge deal though since they will be back home for a few weeks in August and so we can hang out then.
I started today thinking that it should be pretty easy. I would go to a class, pack for a little bit, go to another class, pick up my mother and then pack some more. My schedule went out the window though when two of my teachers told me that I could take my finals today instead of later this week.
So my schedule was more like:
-Go to a class
-finish a final project for that class
-pack for about ten minutes
-take my history final (which was more meeting with the teacher than anything else)
-take my music final (i could only play 3 notes and yet my teacher still gave me a C+ which btw is NOT normal for me. I may not be a completely straight A student but I do not consider Cs to be acceptable)
-I came home, am relaxing for about 15 minutes while I type this
-then I have my science class followed by my science final
-then I will pick up my mother, swing by my old job to pick up a pay check that I hopefully will have waiting for me
-come home and pack
-search my bare cupboards for food
-pack some more
-finish one of my final projects and study for my music final (yes, I have two finals in that class plus a HUGE final project)
-Hopefully go to sleep before 2am
It isn't actually too bad. Staying busy keeps my mind off of things, and I really like that. I can see the end of school in sight and nothing has ever looked so wonderful. I have been thinking that maybe I should put some pictures up on here so that I can remember certain things. I dont really have a picture of all of my stuff from today though.
Actually, now that I think about it, I will put up a picture of my brother Steven and I. Every monday I get an email from him and it is probably the best part of me week, so here he is, an amazing brother. Probably the best one out there (besides David, he is awesome as well).
This is Steven and I a long time ago (probably 3 or 4 years ago) so we both look way different now, but this is just one of my favorite pictures of the two of us!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Existance
It seems as though people who blog do one of two things. They either make their blog, almost never write, and then grow to love their blog and write constantly. Or more often, they start out going strong telling themselves that they'll write every single day but after a while they get busy and seem to forget about it. I'm not sure what I'll do. I was already writing almost every single day, just simply on word documents that later got deleted instead of saved to a blog. I like this better.
Yesterday could not have been a better day to start writing. I was in an exceptionally great mood. All part of my plan to trick anybody that could possibly happen to stumble upon my blog into thinking that I am a normal person. Normal is probably not the word to use. You hear it all the time, "I just want to be a normal person." You hear it in movies or from stars in Hollywood or from people with exceptional skills. Nobody really wants to be normal. Normal is boring and average. Normal is not noticed by friends or family. Everybody wishes that they had a little bit of something special to set them apart from the people around them. Especially girls, they might say they were just like other girls when in all reality they are glad that they are good at sports, have amazing singing voices, or have unique features. This is not the normal I am talking about. Trust me, if I could be abnormal in one of those ways I would be ecstatic. I am abnormal in a crazy sort of way. As I explained in my last post, I have severe depression, anxiety, and OCD.
What does all that mean for me you ask? Or maybe you didnt ask that and you really dont care but as I have said, I am writing this for me, not for you. And it helps me to work things out if I can actually write it all down. I am moody. If you knew me before I was depressed you would have said that I was the most calm and easy going person you had ever met. I never got upset, never upset others, and lived a very peaceful life. Now the slightest thing upsets me and sets me off. I'll give you an example. Amanda and I don't get to hang out anymore. She recently acquired a boyfriend and I am not his biggest fan (which is not the point I am trying to make right now). Even though we almost never hang out she always comes home for lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays and we eat lunch together and then go to class. Today she told me that she was going somewhere with Adam instead and I got angry and almost started crying. I had no reason to cry at something like that because it doesnt make that big of a deal. And my anxiety? The only example I can think of at the moment is that I wasnt sure if Amanda was going to live with me over the summer break and I couldnt focus on anything else until I got the answer to that. Now that I know she is coming I cant think about much besides all of the projects I have coming up. I know it's odd that so much of my problems seem to come from Amanda, or be about her anyways. And that's only because I have no other friends and my family is not around, so she is pretty much the only person in my life right now. The OCD, that has been going crazy lately. I have always known that I have OCD tendencies but lately it seems that they are all over the place. One week I am cleaning the apartment non stop. The next week I am focused on something else and the cleaning has stopped. It is all quite a disruption in my everyday life but everybody has trials.
I get asked constantly by my family, doctors, and friends (or friend I guess) if I am suicidal. Never. Sometimes it shocks people that I am so depressed and yet I am not suicidal. The explanation is quite simple. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven and afterlifes and eternal life. If I were to kill myself, I dont think that anything would be solved. Suicide is a sin and so I'd probably only be more upset if I did that. What I want, is to cease to exist. To be nowhere, not have thoughts, feelings, emotions. I just want it all to end. And that's not possible so I suppose I'll just live with it for now.
Yesterday could not have been a better day to start writing. I was in an exceptionally great mood. All part of my plan to trick anybody that could possibly happen to stumble upon my blog into thinking that I am a normal person. Normal is probably not the word to use. You hear it all the time, "I just want to be a normal person." You hear it in movies or from stars in Hollywood or from people with exceptional skills. Nobody really wants to be normal. Normal is boring and average. Normal is not noticed by friends or family. Everybody wishes that they had a little bit of something special to set them apart from the people around them. Especially girls, they might say they were just like other girls when in all reality they are glad that they are good at sports, have amazing singing voices, or have unique features. This is not the normal I am talking about. Trust me, if I could be abnormal in one of those ways I would be ecstatic. I am abnormal in a crazy sort of way. As I explained in my last post, I have severe depression, anxiety, and OCD.
What does all that mean for me you ask? Or maybe you didnt ask that and you really dont care but as I have said, I am writing this for me, not for you. And it helps me to work things out if I can actually write it all down. I am moody. If you knew me before I was depressed you would have said that I was the most calm and easy going person you had ever met. I never got upset, never upset others, and lived a very peaceful life. Now the slightest thing upsets me and sets me off. I'll give you an example. Amanda and I don't get to hang out anymore. She recently acquired a boyfriend and I am not his biggest fan (which is not the point I am trying to make right now). Even though we almost never hang out she always comes home for lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays and we eat lunch together and then go to class. Today she told me that she was going somewhere with Adam instead and I got angry and almost started crying. I had no reason to cry at something like that because it doesnt make that big of a deal. And my anxiety? The only example I can think of at the moment is that I wasnt sure if Amanda was going to live with me over the summer break and I couldnt focus on anything else until I got the answer to that. Now that I know she is coming I cant think about much besides all of the projects I have coming up. I know it's odd that so much of my problems seem to come from Amanda, or be about her anyways. And that's only because I have no other friends and my family is not around, so she is pretty much the only person in my life right now. The OCD, that has been going crazy lately. I have always known that I have OCD tendencies but lately it seems that they are all over the place. One week I am cleaning the apartment non stop. The next week I am focused on something else and the cleaning has stopped. It is all quite a disruption in my everyday life but everybody has trials.
I get asked constantly by my family, doctors, and friends (or friend I guess) if I am suicidal. Never. Sometimes it shocks people that I am so depressed and yet I am not suicidal. The explanation is quite simple. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven and afterlifes and eternal life. If I were to kill myself, I dont think that anything would be solved. Suicide is a sin and so I'd probably only be more upset if I did that. What I want, is to cease to exist. To be nowhere, not have thoughts, feelings, emotions. I just want it all to end. And that's not possible so I suppose I'll just live with it for now.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Always a first
There always has to be that first post. The awkward one where the blogger describes themselves even though the people who read their blog probably know all about them. Not me, nobody that I know will read my blog. Maybe nobody will read it ever. That's ok with me. I'm writing for myself. Not for anybody else. I've tried journals but they simply don't work for me. This might because I always have my computer with me. And maybe if I know that this will be mostly private (besides the random person or two that somehow stumbles upon my blog) I will be able to be honest, and say everything I'm feeling. Ok, well here goes that awkward part I was just talking about.
My name is Allison Lynn _______________ Yeah.... I'm not going to post my last name. I am 21 years old. I am in college, but I wish that I wasnt. I have exactly 1 friend, Amanda. Now you may be thinking to yourself "Man... one friend?!?!?! she must be either extremely grotesque or a total b*$#@." I guess I could be either one of those things. It all comes down to opinion doesn't it? If you want to know if I am grotesque just look at my picture. If you want to know if I have a less than appealing personality, I guess you'll just have to keep reading. Even though I only have one friend, she is probably a better friend than half of the people in this world will ever get. We have had our problems, especially recently, but in the end. She's another sister to me. She'll always be there for me, and I'll always be there for her. Speaking of sisters, I have a great one. She is two years older than me. Her name is Sara. Sara is hard to describe. She is beautiful, smart, outgoing, confident. I think if I said all of this to her she would deny it. But dont believe her. She's amazing. I have a brother who I have always been close with. He is Steven, and he is 20. Steven is in Chile right now. I worry about him every day. Steven is probably the best person I have ever known. He is so good, right to the core. He does what he knows is right no mater how others will judge him. He is going to move back home a year from next week. That will be one of the best days of my life. I have another brother, David. I miss David, maybe more than i miss anybody else. But probably for a different reason. I miss the David that I never got to know, I miss the David who I never got to be friends with. We never got to spend time together, joke around, or really get to know each other. That'll always be one of my biggest regrets. He's 19 (in a few weeks) and still lives at home. We almost never lived together growing up. It seemed that it just always happened that if i was living with our mother, he was living with our father. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him when i came home for a break from college in a few weeks. No such luck though, he will be moving four hours away where I will probably never get to see him. But he's going to go farther than any of us. Be more successful, have a better life. One day I will get to know him, when his life is where he wants it to be. Like most people (about 100% of them) I have a father. I have even less of a relationship with him than I do with David. I think he just doesnt know what to say a lot of the time. We belong to different religions, have different general beliefs, and seem to clash a lot. Even still, I have never doubted that he loves me. Sometimes when I was down in the dumps and feeling unloved by everybody, I still knew that he cared. And then there's my mother. My siblings have a hard time getting along with her. They think she is judgmental. Maybe she is, but it's because she cares. She wants us to be happy, she wants us to have the best life possible. She is the one who I call when I'm having a bad day, or when I just need advice. I would be so lost without her.
Well that's pretty much it. That's my life in a nutshell. At least that's everything that's important to me. Sound like I won the lottery? I have an amazing best friend, a family that anybody would die for, and I'm getting a college education without going into debt. There's one problem. I haven't even spoken or cared to speak to my father or David in months. The last time I spoke to Sara I got angry, hung up on her, and haven't spoken to her since. I write Steven an occasional email but cant be bothered to do any more than that. I call my mother only when I need something from her, and I purposefully get into fights with Amanda almost every single day. Do I sound crazy? It's because I am. Not too long ago I was diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. My brain doesnt produce enough serotonin making me constantly angry, sad, violent, and so on. Do i throw myself daily pity parties? No. Do I want anybody who actually reads this to feel sorry for me? Hell no. I hate myself for the way that I am. One day I will no longer be on meds. One day I can be kind to those around me. One day, I'll be normal. Unfortunately, that day is not today.
Before I sign off I'll explain a little bit about my blog. The name... "The Beauty In Every Inch" It's from a song called "Snails" by the Format. Basically my goal is to be more like a snail. To see the beauty in all things. To take nothing for granted and love what I have. When I focus on these things, I feel like I can think straight without any of my crazy issues getting in the way. But I cant go and lie to you. My blog is not going to be one of those "I love everything and everybody!" type of blogs. I'm not going to say everything I am grateful for and how lucky I am. I am going to say how i feel. Even if that's ugly. So if that's not what you're looking for, get off now.
And finally, the background. A river in front of a field of tulips. If I could be any mythical creature I would be a mermaid. I was born to be in the water. I love it there. I would spend the rest of my life swimming if I could. And the tulips..... I live in a place where flowers dont really grow. My world is dead and dry and ugly about 95% of the time and somehow I was still able to fall in love with a tulip. They are perfect. And one day, I will be too.
My name is Allison Lynn _______________ Yeah.... I'm not going to post my last name. I am 21 years old. I am in college, but I wish that I wasnt. I have exactly 1 friend, Amanda. Now you may be thinking to yourself "Man... one friend?!?!?! she must be either extremely grotesque or a total b*$#@." I guess I could be either one of those things. It all comes down to opinion doesn't it? If you want to know if I am grotesque just look at my picture. If you want to know if I have a less than appealing personality, I guess you'll just have to keep reading. Even though I only have one friend, she is probably a better friend than half of the people in this world will ever get. We have had our problems, especially recently, but in the end. She's another sister to me. She'll always be there for me, and I'll always be there for her. Speaking of sisters, I have a great one. She is two years older than me. Her name is Sara. Sara is hard to describe. She is beautiful, smart, outgoing, confident. I think if I said all of this to her she would deny it. But dont believe her. She's amazing. I have a brother who I have always been close with. He is Steven, and he is 20. Steven is in Chile right now. I worry about him every day. Steven is probably the best person I have ever known. He is so good, right to the core. He does what he knows is right no mater how others will judge him. He is going to move back home a year from next week. That will be one of the best days of my life. I have another brother, David. I miss David, maybe more than i miss anybody else. But probably for a different reason. I miss the David that I never got to know, I miss the David who I never got to be friends with. We never got to spend time together, joke around, or really get to know each other. That'll always be one of my biggest regrets. He's 19 (in a few weeks) and still lives at home. We almost never lived together growing up. It seemed that it just always happened that if i was living with our mother, he was living with our father. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him when i came home for a break from college in a few weeks. No such luck though, he will be moving four hours away where I will probably never get to see him. But he's going to go farther than any of us. Be more successful, have a better life. One day I will get to know him, when his life is where he wants it to be. Like most people (about 100% of them) I have a father. I have even less of a relationship with him than I do with David. I think he just doesnt know what to say a lot of the time. We belong to different religions, have different general beliefs, and seem to clash a lot. Even still, I have never doubted that he loves me. Sometimes when I was down in the dumps and feeling unloved by everybody, I still knew that he cared. And then there's my mother. My siblings have a hard time getting along with her. They think she is judgmental. Maybe she is, but it's because she cares. She wants us to be happy, she wants us to have the best life possible. She is the one who I call when I'm having a bad day, or when I just need advice. I would be so lost without her.
Well that's pretty much it. That's my life in a nutshell. At least that's everything that's important to me. Sound like I won the lottery? I have an amazing best friend, a family that anybody would die for, and I'm getting a college education without going into debt. There's one problem. I haven't even spoken or cared to speak to my father or David in months. The last time I spoke to Sara I got angry, hung up on her, and haven't spoken to her since. I write Steven an occasional email but cant be bothered to do any more than that. I call my mother only when I need something from her, and I purposefully get into fights with Amanda almost every single day. Do I sound crazy? It's because I am. Not too long ago I was diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. My brain doesnt produce enough serotonin making me constantly angry, sad, violent, and so on. Do i throw myself daily pity parties? No. Do I want anybody who actually reads this to feel sorry for me? Hell no. I hate myself for the way that I am. One day I will no longer be on meds. One day I can be kind to those around me. One day, I'll be normal. Unfortunately, that day is not today.
Before I sign off I'll explain a little bit about my blog. The name... "The Beauty In Every Inch" It's from a song called "Snails" by the Format. Basically my goal is to be more like a snail. To see the beauty in all things. To take nothing for granted and love what I have. When I focus on these things, I feel like I can think straight without any of my crazy issues getting in the way. But I cant go and lie to you. My blog is not going to be one of those "I love everything and everybody!" type of blogs. I'm not going to say everything I am grateful for and how lucky I am. I am going to say how i feel. Even if that's ugly. So if that's not what you're looking for, get off now.
And finally, the background. A river in front of a field of tulips. If I could be any mythical creature I would be a mermaid. I was born to be in the water. I love it there. I would spend the rest of my life swimming if I could. And the tulips..... I live in a place where flowers dont really grow. My world is dead and dry and ugly about 95% of the time and somehow I was still able to fall in love with a tulip. They are perfect. And one day, I will be too.
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