It seems as though people who blog do one of two things. They either make their blog, almost never write, and then grow to love their blog and write constantly. Or more often, they start out going strong telling themselves that they'll write every single day but after a while they get busy and seem to forget about it. I'm not sure what I'll do. I was already writing almost every single day, just simply on word documents that later got deleted instead of saved to a blog. I like this better.
Yesterday could not have been a better day to start writing. I was in an exceptionally great mood. All part of my plan to trick anybody that could possibly happen to stumble upon my blog into thinking that I am a normal person. Normal is probably not the word to use. You hear it all the time, "I just want to be a normal person." You hear it in movies or from stars in Hollywood or from people with exceptional skills. Nobody really wants to be normal. Normal is boring and average. Normal is not noticed by friends or family. Everybody wishes that they had a little bit of something special to set them apart from the people around them. Especially girls, they might say they were just like other girls when in all reality they are glad that they are good at sports, have amazing singing voices, or have unique features. This is not the normal I am talking about. Trust me, if I could be abnormal in one of those ways I would be ecstatic. I am abnormal in a crazy sort of way. As I explained in my last post, I have severe depression, anxiety, and OCD.
What does all that mean for me you ask? Or maybe you didnt ask that and you really dont care but as I have said, I am writing this for me, not for you. And it helps me to work things out if I can actually write it all down. I am moody. If you knew me before I was depressed you would have said that I was the most calm and easy going person you had ever met. I never got upset, never upset others, and lived a very peaceful life. Now the slightest thing upsets me and sets me off. I'll give you an example. Amanda and I don't get to hang out anymore. She recently acquired a boyfriend and I am not his biggest fan (which is not the point I am trying to make right now). Even though we almost never hang out she always comes home for lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays and we eat lunch together and then go to class. Today she told me that she was going somewhere with Adam instead and I got angry and almost started crying. I had no reason to cry at something like that because it doesnt make that big of a deal. And my anxiety? The only example I can think of at the moment is that I wasnt sure if Amanda was going to live with me over the summer break and I couldnt focus on anything else until I got the answer to that. Now that I know she is coming I cant think about much besides all of the projects I have coming up. I know it's odd that so much of my problems seem to come from Amanda, or be about her anyways. And that's only because I have no other friends and my family is not around, so she is pretty much the only person in my life right now. The OCD, that has been going crazy lately. I have always known that I have OCD tendencies but lately it seems that they are all over the place. One week I am cleaning the apartment non stop. The next week I am focused on something else and the cleaning has stopped. It is all quite a disruption in my everyday life but everybody has trials.
I get asked constantly by my family, doctors, and friends (or friend I guess) if I am suicidal. Never. Sometimes it shocks people that I am so depressed and yet I am not suicidal. The explanation is quite simple. I believe in God, I believe in Heaven and afterlifes and eternal life. If I were to kill myself, I dont think that anything would be solved. Suicide is a sin and so I'd probably only be more upset if I did that. What I want, is to cease to exist. To be nowhere, not have thoughts, feelings, emotions. I just want it all to end. And that's not possible so I suppose I'll just live with it for now.
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