There always has to be that first post. The awkward one where the blogger describes themselves even though the people who read their blog probably know all about them. Not me, nobody that I know will read my blog. Maybe nobody will read it ever. That's ok with me. I'm writing for myself. Not for anybody else. I've tried journals but they simply don't work for me. This might because I always have my computer with me. And maybe if I know that this will be mostly private (besides the random person or two that somehow stumbles upon my blog) I will be able to be honest, and say everything I'm feeling. Ok, well here goes that awkward part I was just talking about.
My name is Allison Lynn _______________ Yeah.... I'm not going to post my last name. I am 21 years old. I am in college, but I wish that I wasnt. I have exactly 1 friend, Amanda. Now you may be thinking to yourself "Man... one friend?!?!?! she must be either extremely grotesque or a total b*$#@." I guess I could be either one of those things. It all comes down to opinion doesn't it? If you want to know if I am grotesque just look at my picture. If you want to know if I have a less than appealing personality, I guess you'll just have to keep reading. Even though I only have one friend, she is probably a better friend than half of the people in this world will ever get. We have had our problems, especially recently, but in the end. She's another sister to me. She'll always be there for me, and I'll always be there for her. Speaking of sisters, I have a great one. She is two years older than me. Her name is Sara. Sara is hard to describe. She is beautiful, smart, outgoing, confident. I think if I said all of this to her she would deny it. But dont believe her. She's amazing. I have a brother who I have always been close with. He is Steven, and he is 20. Steven is in Chile right now. I worry about him every day. Steven is probably the best person I have ever known. He is so good, right to the core. He does what he knows is right no mater how others will judge him. He is going to move back home a year from next week. That will be one of the best days of my life. I have another brother, David. I miss David, maybe more than i miss anybody else. But probably for a different reason. I miss the David that I never got to know, I miss the David who I never got to be friends with. We never got to spend time together, joke around, or really get to know each other. That'll always be one of my biggest regrets. He's 19 (in a few weeks) and still lives at home. We almost never lived together growing up. It seemed that it just always happened that if i was living with our mother, he was living with our father. I was really looking forward to spending some time with him when i came home for a break from college in a few weeks. No such luck though, he will be moving four hours away where I will probably never get to see him. But he's going to go farther than any of us. Be more successful, have a better life. One day I will get to know him, when his life is where he wants it to be. Like most people (about 100% of them) I have a father. I have even less of a relationship with him than I do with David. I think he just doesnt know what to say a lot of the time. We belong to different religions, have different general beliefs, and seem to clash a lot. Even still, I have never doubted that he loves me. Sometimes when I was down in the dumps and feeling unloved by everybody, I still knew that he cared. And then there's my mother. My siblings have a hard time getting along with her. They think she is judgmental. Maybe she is, but it's because she cares. She wants us to be happy, she wants us to have the best life possible. She is the one who I call when I'm having a bad day, or when I just need advice. I would be so lost without her.
Well that's pretty much it. That's my life in a nutshell. At least that's everything that's important to me. Sound like I won the lottery? I have an amazing best friend, a family that anybody would die for, and I'm getting a college education without going into debt. There's one problem. I haven't even spoken or cared to speak to my father or David in months. The last time I spoke to Sara I got angry, hung up on her, and haven't spoken to her since. I write Steven an occasional email but cant be bothered to do any more than that. I call my mother only when I need something from her, and I purposefully get into fights with Amanda almost every single day. Do I sound crazy? It's because I am. Not too long ago I was diagnosed with Severe Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. My brain doesnt produce enough serotonin making me constantly angry, sad, violent, and so on. Do i throw myself daily pity parties? No. Do I want anybody who actually reads this to feel sorry for me? Hell no. I hate myself for the way that I am. One day I will no longer be on meds. One day I can be kind to those around me. One day, I'll be normal. Unfortunately, that day is not today.
Before I sign off I'll explain a little bit about my blog. The name... "The Beauty In Every Inch" It's from a song called "Snails" by the Format. Basically my goal is to be more like a snail. To see the beauty in all things. To take nothing for granted and love what I have. When I focus on these things, I feel like I can think straight without any of my crazy issues getting in the way. But I cant go and lie to you. My blog is not going to be one of those "I love everything and everybody!" type of blogs. I'm not going to say everything I am grateful for and how lucky I am. I am going to say how i feel. Even if that's ugly. So if that's not what you're looking for, get off now.
And finally, the background. A river in front of a field of tulips. If I could be any mythical creature I would be a mermaid. I was born to be in the water. I love it there. I would spend the rest of my life swimming if I could. And the tulips..... I live in a place where flowers dont really grow. My world is dead and dry and ugly about 95% of the time and somehow I was still able to fall in love with a tulip. They are perfect. And one day, I will be too.
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